What the hell did I get myself into?
Day one and I already feel like a failure. I feel like the kid in class that comes in after the bell rings, struggling to hold all of her books and then trips trying to sit in her desk as books and other belongings go crashing to the floor. You know, the one that all of the cool kids stare at like they are looking at an alien species. You see, its 10:30 pm and I’m sitting here trying to complete the first day’s assignment of 20 minutes of free writing. I’m already frustrated because I’ve spent 15 minutes trying to get the writing 101 badge on my blog page and its not working. Ugh.
I love to write. Finding the time to write is my biggest problem. I have a day job from 8-5. I commute an hour to work each way. I have two kids, 10 and 5. So when I get home from work, I spend time with them. That is so important to me. After they are tucked away in their beds, I try to unwind. I often get sucked into my phone becoming lost in the neverending vortex of social media… facebook, twitter, instagram, pinterest. Time sucks, each of them. I fire up my laptop and head over here. By that time I am usually exhausted. I start to doubt myself. I feel like a poser, a wannabe. I wonder if I am making a mistake by starting to write again. I don’t have time for it and it certainly doesn’t pay the bills. So is it a waste of time? Time is a precious commodity. Should I just quit? But I don’t want to quit. But if I don’t have time to write often (or maybe even write well) then what is the point? What should be the point?
And that brings me to… what are my goals? I don’t even know. I want to be a better writer. I want to connect with other writers for support and feedback. Beyond that, I’m not sure. I would love to be a professional writer. My dream has always been to write a novel. Right now that seems like a pipe dream. Baby steps, I suppose. Everyone starts somewhere, right? I know I should know my target audience but I don’t really. People say to write what you know. I guess I need to figure out what that is. If I write what I know, will people even care? I kind of have an identity crises. Story of my life lately.
So all I can really say is that I am here to be better. I’m not sure what my end game is, not sure where I am going. But improvement is moving forward. And when moving forward things often come into focus.
So now I guess I feel like the slacker kid in the back of the class. The one who sleeps during class or daydreams or doodles on her desk. The one who doesn’t have all the answers. One day at a time. I will find my way, I’m sure.
Day one prompt: 20 minutes of free writing. Don’t think about what you are going to write. Just write.